Uncle Flavio

MLS Expansion Has Only Begun...

Don Garber is a man of ambition.  He is the type of guy that would fight a homeless man in the subway for a quarter should that situation arise.  In a scoop recently given to this inquiring ILF blogger, Garber' recent announcement of MLS expansion to 28 teams is only the beginning  and a pretense as he is just testing the waters for his true objective.  In reality Don and the suits at MLS headquarters want to expand Major League Soccer to 351 teams across the country.  That's right ladies and gentlemen the real expansion goal is 351 soccer clubs under one umbrella of MLS.  

Our balding commissioner believes the NCAA model for college basketball would work in soccer.  It was told us anonymously that when the self proclaimed "Soccer Don" learned about the 2011 deal the NCAA signed for 10.8 billion dollars with CBS and Turner Broadcasting for the March Madness television rights deal, Garber spit out his Citrus Lime Fresca and was quoted as saying "holy fuck that's a lot of cheddar!"

             All Hail the Don

            All Hail the Don

Quickly the wheels started turning in the Dons head and he began thinking of how he could restructure Major League Soccer to get a television deal worth in the vicinity of the NCAA tournament for the MLS playoff.  For starters Don said to the MLS Board of Directors, "we have to expand to EVERY major market in America, big time college towns and even podunk crap cities like Tampa if we want to make it to the next level."  The Soccer Don further added "look at the division one NCAA model for men's college basketball.  Those guys have 351 first division teams across the nation and have a 64 team tournament to crown their champion where they make it rain with money. Why can't we do the same?  We have to think bigger and not limit ourselves by artificial constraints!" 

This would be an unprecedented level of expansion compared to any single professional sports league on the planet.  The Dons also suggested that they mimmick the NCAA basketball model and have the season culminate in a 64 team tournament much like the NCAA "March Madness" cash cow.  Garber has floated the name "Nutty November" as title of this 64 team knock out tournament to crown our MLS champion although that is still in the works.  

Don Garber is said to be a tyrant.  Some believe he runs MLS like the WWE where his favorites always come out ahead with the league's archaic rules that change as they go.  Others simply think he is an odd looking fellow who looks like Sam the Eagle from the Jim Henson Muppets.  Regardless of what you make of The Don however you can't question his ambition.  He is a man with a vision and a plan.  28 teams is only the beginning.  Haters will always bring up concerns of over saturation of the sport, the watering down of the professional soccer product in America and the league not addressing issues like shit markets that don't perform up to par (Colorado, Chicago, Dallas, DC United).  This does not suede The Soccer Don however.  No, no, no my barra brava friends.  Garber is the kind of guy who back in the day would play monopoly with his kids and steal money from the bank when they were not looking just to make sure he would bury his children in defeat.  His ambition knows no bounds and he is dead set on his vision becoming a reality and he will not be denied.

           Sam the Eagle or Don Garber?

           Sam the Eagle or Don Garber?

Things like league structure and scheduling are yet to be determined and works in progress said our anonymous source.  The MLS front offices were unavailable for comment.  

Neymar Deal Falls Through

Bad news for Orlando City fans throughout the planet.  The previously reported Neymar deal has fallen through.  The press conference scheduled for this Saturday at the Lake Eola Bowl to announce the transfer of Neymar to Orlando from Barcelona has been cancelled.  Neymar secretly flew into OIA on Monday, November 30th where he was picked up by team administrator and former OCSC stud Erik Ustruck to meet the front office, tour our facilities and make a quick publicity stop at Walt Disney World.

During the tour, Inchy and Neymar formally met for the first time.  It was reported to us by friend of the ILF and assistant coach for Orlando City Ian Fuller, that Adrian Heath hinted to Neymar he might have to play behind Cyle Larin at the start of the season.  Heath is high on Larin after his rookie of the year campaign and not willing to bench Cyle even for a world class footballer like Neymar.

The Brazilian international did not take well to this news as this compounded to his doubts of coming to America as he learned that the American tax code is more difficult to get around than he initially thought.  Neymar is not keen on paying the tax man just like his idol Willie Nelson.  

We have heard from anonymous sources within our front office that while disappointed, Phil Rawlins, Flavio Da Silva, Paul McDonough and Alex Wolf are happy with the prospects of Cyle Larin being our unquestioned number one striker going into 2016.  

Happy trails Neymar.  Best of luck with the Catalans in La Liga and the Champions League.  Should you ever choose to change your mind and earn your playing time behind Cyle Larin, you will have a home here in Orlando anytime.

Brazilian blockbuster deal on the horizon?

There are exciting times ahead for Orlando City Soccer Club as international man of mystery Phil Rawlins and charismatic moneyman Flavio da Silva have indicated over the weekend.  The twosome were photographed at Camp Nou taking in the Barcelona-Real Sociedad match and the day apparently was not reserved to spectating as sources within the Catalan club have told the ILF, under the condition of anonymity, that business was absolutely being conducted and it will shake the soccer world to its core.

The business never sleeps.

The business never sleeps.

Nike starlet and Ballon d'Or frontrunner Neymar is likely to take the next step in his career and make the move to the U.S. in order to increase his marketability and worldwide brand, and it's said that he has his eyes set on Orlando due to the rapid growth and visibility of the sport throughout central Florida.  It has also been provided to us by our chief Argentine correspondent, that Neymar is also keen on avoiding the significant taxes levied against the salaries in Spain, a financial move any true barra brava could appreciate.

The story doesn't end there however, as Neymar is said to be a wantaway add-on to a deal for defender Martín Montoya, a fullback currently on loan with Inter Milan.  The interest in the young fullback was reportedly generated as Flavio, upon being educated about Barça's players, overheard the young man's name and repeatedly recited to himself "My name is Martín Montoya, you killed my father.  Prepare to die."

The Brazilian entrepreneur is said to be a huge fan of the 1980s cinema classic "The Princess Bride," and will see fit to do whatever it takes to have the young Spaniard in the Orlando City purple shirt and realize his inspired marketing campaign even if it means poaching one of the world's best.  More details to follow as we get them.

 

UPDATE: Neymar's move to Orlando City has been confirmed.