The MLS Cup finals is around the corner and the City Beautiful is abuzz about who the next MLS Champion will be. Talk of the Gators and Seminoles football game was a faint background noise to MLS playoff conversation this past weekend. We went around town asking local Orlando celebrities who they thought would be crowned the 20th MLS Cup Champion.
Buddy Dyer - 'You know, Merritt Paulson and I played power hour with straight absinthe at a democrat fundraiser once at John Morgan's home in Heathrow. That man knows how to party. By the end of the night Morgan, Merritt and myself were singing Beegees karaoke on the pool deck. I gotta support my friend and donor Merritt against those shitbags from Columbus this Sunday'.
George O'Leary - 'Since getting canned at UCF, I have been spending my free time watching MLS and I love how Columbus plays defense. Any real team starts with a strong defense, that's what I always say. I am also a big admirer of how Kei Kamara plays the game. If I were his coach however I would make him cut his hair. I don't like long hair. Portland has too many hippies and reefer smokers in the stands. I'm no fan of that kind of behavior. I gotta go kick some kids off my lawn, excuse me.'
Arnold Palmer - 'I'm not a big soccer guy as the sport was not very big back in my day. It used to be all horse racing, boxing, baseball and golf in my time. I recently got into soccer as Carrot Top convinced me to go 50/50 with him on box seats and the sport has grown on me. I saw Columbus play here in Orlando and that Higuain really gets my goat with his simulation on the pitch. He reminds me of Chi Chi Rodriguez with his antics. I'm going for the Timbers'.
Scott Skiles - 'I have a fond place in my heart for Portland. Back in the day the late great Kevin Duckworth would chase tail around Rip City after playing in that town. Portland brings back great memories of hippie girls with loose morals and party favors. Clyde Drexler would tag along every once and a while. Those nights were epic. Go Timbers'.
There you have it folks. Outside of grouchy George O'Leary, most Orlando celebrities will be cheering for Portland this Sunday. Good luck to you west coast hipsters. At least you care about your team unlike Columbus. Lets hope that for an MLS Cup Finals those Buckeye loving, wife swinging low-lifes can finally sell out their stadium.