Carrasco

15 Things Better Than The Julio Baptista Signing

Sources close to the ILF Blog have indicated that Orlando City will be announcing the signing of 34 year old Brazilian forward Julio Baptista in the very near future. This source going as far as saying "This signing is 100% happening." The transfer is definitely a Flavio signing because who else would bring in a 34 year old Brazilian attacker that's scored 16 goals in the last 5 years for Malaga and most recently Cruzeiro. Baptista's best season was 2003-04 with Sevilla where he scored 24 goals for the Spanish club which spurred a move to Real Madrid two seasons later, which led to his demise as he only reach double digit goals in a season twice more. With the defense being a clear weakness through week 3 of the MLS season, the question everyone is asking....what the actual fuck? So with that, we bring you 15 things better than the signing of 34 year old striker, Julio Baptista.

  1.  Week old Gringo's Double D's
  2.  The bathroom at IBar on a Friday night
  3.  Portapotty's in Lot 11 on a hot summer day
  4. Arsenal after the New Year (still up for debate)
  5. Warm Budweiser
  6. The 2014-2015 Philadelphia 76ers
  7. Newcastle's title chances
  8. Kyrgyzstan's chances of winning a World Cup
  9. The lines for alcohol at Wall St. on Cinco de Mayo
  10. Nickelback's latest album (not really)
  11. Rocky 5
  12. Columbus Crew's chances of filling their stadium (probably not)
  13. Servando Carrasco's mustache
  14. Tony Cascio's 2015 MLS season
  15. Getting two foot tackled by Aurellien Collin

Orlando City v.s Chicago Fire Preview

It's matchday! And we're here to preview the Eastern Conference matchup between your Orlando City Lions and that team from Chicago that are just as useless as Derrick Rose's knees and Jay Cutler's arm.

ENTER NOCERINO:

Antonio Nocerino arrived in Orlando just a week ago but is already lighting it up in practice and catching the eye of many, mostly females. Said one Orlando City staff member "We had to put up higher fences around the training pitch as the women around Central Florida have become complete savages for Nocerino."  Nocerino has also had to install a wall taller than a giraffe around his new digs.  Fucking guy gets more play than DiCaprio on Oscar night. With Kaka slated to miss his second match in a row and Darwin Ceren out because of his red card, we expect Nocerino to get a good chunk of minutes tonight.

BACKGROUND:

Through 1 season in MLS, Orlando City has won two matches and drawn once against Chicago (We don't dare mention the U.S Open Cup exit). Last season the Fire finished in dead last in the East and at the bottom of the entire league. If you thought it couldn't get uglier, we're just starting. The Fire also haven't been to the playoffs the last 5 of 6 years, which is a difficult task in a league that sends over half the league to the playoffs. Somehow Chicago fans will blame the infamous Steve Bartman for their playoff drought, but the fact of the matter is the Chicago Fire just suck.

Chicago's favorite son, Steve Bartman.  

Chicago's favorite son, Steve Bartman.  

 SERVANDO CARRASCO:

I've expressed my displeasure with Carrasco on countless occasions so here I am to eat my words after Carrasco saved the day this past Sunday with a wonderful pass from about 700 yards out to Larin to setup the Adrian Winter winner. Don't let me see you sending weak ass back passes to the goal keeper again though.  Mr. Morgan needs to step up big tonight again. 

THE RETURN OF PAUL TENORIO:

Ah, the return of long time Orlando Sentinel/Orlando City writer, Paul Tenorio. Good old Paul left his post at the Sentinel recently and took an easier job for the worst team in MLS, the Chicago Fire. Did Tenorio jump ship when he saw the ILF Blog getting all the attention?  Leaving Orlando City for the Chicago Fire is the definition of hustling backwards.  It is trading in your Tesla for a Prius.  You do you however Tenorio.  Maybe he wanted to be closer to the Northwestern Alumni Club.  Frankly we don't care.  

FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS:

Friday night matches are a favorite of TBB's everywhere. TBB's love football and partying and nothing beats kicking off a weekend binge then with a Friday night kickoff. With that said, we think getting off work early today is a wise choice and we won't tell your boss if you decide to put an adult beverage of sorts into your Friday morning coffee.

AWAY FANS:

A fair amount of Chicago supporters made the trip to Orlando last season and we can expect the same tonight.

Sector Latino - Que tal raza.  Marimba on us. 

Section 8 - Not welcome.

I'm out! Let's rage tonight.

 

 

 

4 Reasons Servando Carrasco Wears The Pants In The Relationship

In order to level the playing field (or pitch depending on if you're fancy or not), we decided to take a look at how Carrasco puts his big boy pants on. 

TACOS: 

After flying around the pitch and scoring hat tricks against Trinidad and Tobago, Alex Morgan needs some quality chow. Growing up in Tijuana, Carrasco makes a mean taco. And not those phony lettuce, tomato, and cheese ones. We're talking authentic Tinga de pollo topped with cilantro and onions. 

HE PUT A HEMI IN IT: 

Carrasco has been known to blow through ILF tailgates in a blacked out, lifted Ford Raptor. Whether you're from Bithlo or Oviedo, all chicks dig a little mud on the tires. Keep on burning that rubber.

SURFS UP, BRUH: 

When you spend your high school years in San Diego, you're automatically a surf bum. Ladies love the long hair and instant washboard abs. Spending afternoons in the saltwater keeps that skin fresh and smooth for the woman. But don't spend too much time in there. People don't like when you're salty.   

CITY BEAUTIFUL: 

What better place to choose to continue a career with your wife than in a city nicknamed the "City Beautiful"? It's as simple as reminding her that Orlando's nickname comes from her. Stay thirsty, my friends. 

P.S. Alex, please shave your mustache.  

4 Reasons Alex Morgan Wears The Pants In The Relationship

We received such high praise and positive feedback from our article about Nocerino, especially regarding the short insert about Servando Carrasco that we decided to go in more depth about the beloved Carrasco and bring you the top reasons Alex Morgan wears the pants in the relationship.

Straight Cash Homie:

Let's be real here, Alex Morgan makes bank. Face of Orlando Pride, face of USWNT, on the cover of FIFA16 and did we mention that she's endorsed by Nike? Mrs. Morgan is rolling in the dough. Oh and Carrasco is listed on MLSplayers.org as making a mere $85,375.00. Alex bringing home the bread in the family.

Stats Don't Lie: 

Alex Morgan went on to score a goal within 12 seconds of kickoff this year in a International Friendly, while Carrasco hasn't hit the back of the net since 2013 when he was playing with Seattle. While Morgan didn't exactly have a injury free 2015 calendar year, it should be noted that she has almost as many goals as Carrasco's appearances in the last two years. Morgan is a baller, she don't want no scrubs.

Job Security:

Safe to say that Carrasco will be an Orlando City player as long as Alex Morgan is the face of Orlando Pride. OCSC was smart in trading for Carrasco last year with the goal of attracting Morgan to the City Beautiful. Sure he's a mere depth player, but at least he won't have to worry about putting his resume on Monster.com any time soon.

Face of USWNT and FIFA16:

On every ad for Women's Soccer and next to Messi on the cover of FIFA16? It's obvious that Alex Morgan is not only recognizable nationally but internationally as well. Have you seen her on Sports Illustrated? Come on. Servando is the type of guy you wouldn't recognize at 7-11 while buying a bag of Dorito's. Matter of fact, there's a guy at the nearby 7-11 that looks like him.

P.S. Carrasco, shave your mustache nerd.