Albertsons

Developing Story: Orlando man can't stop saying how much he hates Chelsea

An east Orlando resident is in hot water after a string of hate emails led to his termination from his job. Steve Bolt 54, of east Orlando was recently released from his place of employment after numerous hate emails stating "I hate Chelsea." At first many of his coworkers took it as a joke until Chelsea Mierda was recently hired and the emails were looked at in a different light. "We never paid him any mind" says Cuarto Lugar of Kissimmee a friend of Mr. Bolt. "It wasn't until he flew a banner saying "I HATE CHELSEA" over my wedding reception that we started to think to ourselves how much he hates Chelsea." Numerous colleagues of Steve's stated that he'd text them throughout the day and even call them until the early hours of the morning to remind them of his hate for Chelsea. Mr. Bolt wasn't immediately available to comment but in an email to the ILF Blog he stated "I just want the whole world to know how much I hate Chelsea." One thing is for certain, this man won't stop telling us he hates Chelsea for a long time to come. 

Local News: Unemployed local man now makes memes for a living

It was an ordinary Tuesday morning, I spilled coffee on myself and I missed my train to work nothing new there. It was at 9:12am when the lives of many ILF members would be changed forever. Joe Schmo, a long time ILF member and a resident of the Mills District recently began his summer vacation away from being a teacher. Joe Schmo didn't waste a minute in starting his summer vacation and was seen posting on Facebook at 7am on Monday that he was having his first beer of the day. Teachers go about their summers in different ways some sleep all day, some get part time jobs and in the case of Joe Schmo you binge drink at 7am and make memes. The memes have affected us all and some fellow ILF members have sought out counseling to deal with the havoc this menace has inflicted on us all. We have compiled a list of job opportunities for Joe Schmo to preoccupy himself with and allow these ILF meme victims to go about their daily lives.

 

Albertsons Bagger: 

It was the summer of 1967 when I got my first summer job as a Albertsons bagger, I made 20 cents an hour and I loved every minute of it. I can't honestly say where the closest Albertsons is but Joe Schmo is notoriously known for riding his bike all across the state of Florida so I'm sure he can work it out.  

Brazilian Equipment Manager: 

The Brazilian national soccer team will need an experienced equipment manager as they  prepare to make their run towards the Copa America trophy.....oh wait.....awkward

Wawa Hoagie Maker: 

It's everyone's favorite time of year, HoagieFest! As I and many ILF members will be enjoying several Wawa hoagies a day, the convenience store/gas station will need to be fully staffed to make tens of thousands of delicious hoagies a day. (Wawa, I'll be waiting for my advertising check) 

Open A Hot Chocolate Stand :

Nothing says summer in Florida like a boiling cup of hot chocolate while you're at the beach or just sitting by the pool. Remember Joe, supply and demand.  

Uber Driver: 

Uber is a great way to make an extra couple bucks during the summer, let's just hope the Uber riders don't mind riding on the handlebars of Joe Schmo's bicycle. 

Ramos/Kaka Personal Photographer: 

Known for posting dozens of selfies a day, Rafael Ramos and Kaka's lives can be made much easier with the assistance of a personal selfie taker. As we all know how fragile Kaka is these days, we don't want him spraining his wrist while taking that selfie at the beach.  

 Pick Cherrys in Davenport: 

They say some of the World's best cherrys come from Davenport, FL. Nothing better to get your mind off of making memes than picking a few cherrys in 100 degree weather. 

Blockbuster Manager: 

10 years ago when I was looking for my first part-time job, a Google search led me to a list of great companies to work for and Blockbuster was on there. Surely ten years later that's still the case.  

Join A Ponzi Scheme: 

Known for being a great and safe way to make extra money, Ponzi schemes are all the rave these days and would allow Joe Schmo to fund his next summer job...

Full Time Alcoholic: 

If all of those jobs don't suit Joe Schmo, there's always drinking from sunrise to sunset and we here at the ILF blog fully condone that. Cheers Joe!