Adrian Heath

Orlando City v.s Oil Money FC: Match Recap

      Friday marked the first win of the Orlando City season and continued the Lion's undefeated streak in the early 2016 MLS season. While not the greatest of performances, three points is three points and that's all that matters against Oil Money FC.

CYLE LARIN, SO HOT RIGHT NOW:

I told myself before writing this that I wouldn't allow myself to come off as obsessed with Larin and to avoid being overly clingy at all costs but I sadly can't help it. The Canadian kid is really something special. He scored this week with his face. WITH HIS FREAKING FACE. How good do you have to be that you get bored with scoring with your feet and start scoring with your face? That's three goals in three matches for Cyle which if my math is right means he's on pace to score like 84 goals this year (I've failed math countless times). Sophomore slump? Nah son.

BENDIK WEARS ICE SKATES:

While many will praise Joe Bendik for making a few crucial saves late on in the game, it should be noted that Bendik was skating the first half hour of Friday night's match. Slipping while clearing the ball and performing triple axles in front of goal is not something we like to see from our goalkeeper. Bendik is a semi-decent goalkeeper, but we don't suggest showing off his professional ice skater moves during an actual match especially against an Eastern Conference rival. Get some actual cleats, this isn't the Winter Olympics.

Kaka's World Tour:

After missing his third match in a row and no word of a return in the near future, it's safe to say that Mr. Kaka has fully embraced his celebrity status. "Last I heard, he was opening up for Rihanna on tour" said one Orlando City front office member. This would explain Kaka's absence from training pictures and his increase of Instagram pictures with celebs like Travi$ Scott, Gloria Estefan and Grape La Flame. Well, it was fun while it lasted. Thanks for everything Ricky.

HIGUITA READ OUR BLOG:

It's no myth that the ILF blog has a history for calling out players. We wouldn't be doing our job if we didn't put our own players under the microscope from time to time. Last week's victim was Cristian Higuita and he clearly reads our blog when he's on break from his part-time job at Junior Colombian Burger cause he put in a great shift on Friday night. Against Chicago, the Colombian midfielder was lazy and showed no heart and we're going to let you know it if you put in a weak ass performance like that. However, against Oil Money FC the kid from Colombia put in a performance full of hustle, outstanding slide tackles and got in the face of multiple New York players. We see you, homie. (Next time send one of those slide tackles Patrick Vieira's way)

Third Rail "Tifo":

Your parents own shares in Apple, gave you a $50,000 car when you turned 16 and you have courtside Knicks tickets? You must be a Third Rail supporter. Oil Money FC love making tifos when Orlando City goes up to the Bronx and we always appreciate that kind of love. Friday nights tifo was brought to you by Mrs. Johnson's 3rd grade class at PS 83 in the Bronx. While the artwork was mediocre, we can respect allowing kids to design your tifo.

UP NEXT:

The Lions have two weeks off before the MLS defending champions Portland Hipsters roll into town on April 3rd. We can expect an increase in beards, unicycles, birds on things and people asking "is this gluten free?" when their away supporters make their way to Orlando.

ILF Mailbag

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Each day here at theironlionfirm.com offices we receive numerous comments and questions into our mailbox. So we figured we'd answer some of those questions in a new series we're calling "ILF Mailbag". Onto the questions!

Please stop with the fake posts. They are not funny. I ran my car into a light pole when I read the Neymar news only to later find out it wasn't true. Please be respectful and only report true things.

- Eric, Madrid

Eric, thanks for reading the blog! First off, you probably shouldn't be on your phone while driving. Doesn't seem very safe. That may be more your fault than it is ours.  

Second of all, we fully believe in the information we receive from our sources. Neymar was in serious talks to join Orlando City but negotiations fell through. It happens sometimes. But that won't stop us from reporting on the news as we get it. As the great Michael Scott once said, quoting the legendary Wayne Gretzky "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take".  

Who do you think has the best hair on the club? 

 - Bryan, Orlando 

With the recent departure of Estrella this one is tough to call. There are many worthy candidates. You have the flowing blond locks of Brek Shea. Or the clean, close look Kevin Molino has been spotted sporting recently. But for our money you can't beat the wonderful hairstyle of the Mastermind and Crafter himself, head coach Adrian Heath. No matter how heated Inchy gets at the referees his hair always seems to stay in place. Kudos to his hairstylist!

What do you guys think of the signing of Antonio Nocerino?  

 - Piper, Windemere, Florida 

While you can find out what we think Nocerino's signing will mean for central Florida here, we'll break down what it could mean for the club itself. Nocerino brings a world of experience with him and should link up with his former AC Milan teammate Kaka very nicely. We just hope his arrival won't stunt the growth of our young midfielders like Carlos Rivas and Cristian Higuita. 

I want to play for your club. I am great midfielder and score many goals. Please tell me how to sign up to play for your club.  

 - Yassine, Algeria 

Yassine, thank you for your interest in our club. We regret to inform you that we are all filled up at midfield after our recent signing of the man they call Derek "Long Legs" Sheiman. We will have tryouts for next year's squad in late December off the south coast of France. Hope to see you there.  

I love the passion and pride you guys have for Orlando City. You guys always kill it in the terraces. And this blog is absolutely hilarious and informative. Keep up the great work! How do I become a member of your illustrious club? 

 - Rob,  Chicago

Thank you so much for your kind words. We appreciate it and hope to continue to make you proud. Memberships are available online or at select tailgates this season. Please keep your eyes on our Twitter or Facebook pages as to when that will be. 

That wraps up the inaugural edition of the ILF mailbag. If you have any questions you want answered in the next edition of the mailbag email us at ironlionfirm@gmail.com or by using the contact button of this website. See you in the terraces!

Top Five Players Orlando City Should Target in the Offseason

After just missing out on the playoffs in their first MLS season, Orlando City announced a number of roster moves on Wednesday morning. The Lions declined contract options on goalkeepers Tally Hall and Josh Ford, midfielders Eric Avila and Lewis Neal, and forwards Danny Mwanga, Adam Bedell, and Sidney Rivera. Midfielder Tony Cascio's contract ran out at the end of the season.  

As the opening of free agency begins on December 8th, here's a quick look at five players Orlando City should look to add to the squad this offseason. 

 

 

Lionel Messi

The 2015-2016 season has been a down year for Messi thus far. He appeared in only nine matches for Barcelona to open the season before going down with a knee injury, and only recently returned to the squad. A switch to Orlando City could revitalize his downward sloping career, although he may struggle to see the pitch behind the sensational 2015 MLS Rookie of the Year Cyle Larin. 

 

Cristiano Ronaldo

Cristiano Ronaldo has all of the talent in the world. World class speed, an amazing first touch, and incredible shot power. But he has never been able to truly realize his potential. Playing for Adrian Heath would help Ronaldo put all facets of his game together so he can become one of the best players on the planet.

 

MadamombE Bangojena

Known to his legion of fans as simply "Madamombe", the 12 year old Zimbabwean superstar has reportedly turned down offers from Chelsea, Fulham, and Real Madrid because he wants to play for a winning club. Bangojena has been tearing up the Zimbabwe Premier Soccer League for Chicken Inn FC, scoring an insane 42 goals over the last two seasons. Scores say that Bangojena has been a huge Orlando City fan since he was a kid, and it is his dream to play for Adrian Heath.

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With his incredible ability to juke even the best defenders out of their shoes, his insane shot speed that has been clocked at 120 mph., and what commentators have called "the best vision since Jim Parsons in that one movie", it's only a matter of time before we see Bangojena take the captain's armband from Kaka.

 

Pele

Ever since Flavio Augusto da Silva came on board as majority owner of Orlando City Soccer Club, the Lions have set their sights on being one of not only the top clubs in MLS but in the world. If they wish to achieve that dream, OCSC should be signing the best players in the world. And Pele is one of the best of all time. 

Edson Arantes do Nascimento, better known as Pele, is thought by many to be the best player to ever step on a soccer pitch. And they'd get no argument from me. His 541 career league goals make him the most successful scorer in any league in the world. Throughout of all history. Let that sink in for a minute. And his 1,281 goals in 1,363 games in all competitions are a Guinness World Record. To put it simply, Pele was a god among men on the soccer field.

Signing Pele would put Orlando City on the soccer map just as it did for the New York Cosmos in the 1970's. If the Lions have any hopes of fulfilling their dreams, Pele should be one of the first names they call this offseason.

 

Buddy, the Golden Retriever from the Air Bud Movies

One of the world's greatest multiple sport athletes, Buddy has excelled in everything from basketball to baseball to football and volleyball. But perhaps his best sport is soccer. By my calculations he scored 67 goals in his historic season where he lead his team to the state title. Anyone who has any doubts about Buddy should just watch the incredible documentary about his career, "Air Bud: World Pup". Buddy also has contract that should be very favorable to the club. According to his agent, Buddy is looking for two bags of Kibbles and Bits per week with a one bone per goals scored bonus but is willing to negotiate.


Bo Brown is ILF Vice President, a writer, and co-host of The Starting Lineup podcast. Follow him on Twitter, @thedynamicuno or @theslcast.