Orlando City v. FC Dallas: Player Ratings

Fourth of July was going along just swell, from Joey Chestnut eating 70 hot dog's like the American hero he is to the free beer and awesome food served at Lizzy McCormack's for the ILF 4th of July BBQ. Then 9 o'clock came around and all that fun and happiness instantly went down the drain. I'll let my player ratings from last night tell the full story.

Joe Bendik: 0

Poor Bendik typically plays behind a backline made up of pieces of soggy bread so he's usually not at fault but he didn't have a single shot on goal from the opposite end of the pitch and that's pretty crappy.

Kevin Alston: 0

Alston is a cool dude who has great taste in music but the only thing he was hearing last night was the sound of FC Dallas players running by him.

Tommy Redding: 0

Tommy is still the second coming of Paolo Maldini but last night he looked more like the second coming of Per Mertesacker.

David Mateos: 0


Luke Boden: 0

Luke spent the majority of the night running after FC Dallas players like they just stole his lunch money. Luke, you still have a dope haircut though.

Darwin Ceren: 0

Did he even play?

Cristian Higuita: 0

Higuita looked like a guy who was in the Nathan's Hot Dog eating contest in the morning and then flew to Dallas right after for the match. That dude looked sleep.

Kevin Molino: 0

Molino looked like his head was already in Barcelona as they prepare a $65 million bid for the bad man from Trinidad & Tobago.

Kaka: 0

Ricky was taken off at halftime so that he could get to the Celine Dion concert going on in downtown Dallas.

Brek Shea: 0

"LOLZ WUT" - Brek Shea after the game (Probably)

Cyle Larin: 0

*Insert Poop emoji here*