Orlando City 2016 roster: Where are they 5 years later?

The year is 2021, we have flying cars, people have their iPhones implanted into their hands and the almighty Kanye West is President. We decided to catch up with the 2016 Orlando City roster and see what they're up to these days.

 

Joe Bendik:  Bendik was a phenomenal goalkeeper for the Lions in 2016. Fearless and a brilliant shot stopper, Bendik unfortunately played behind the worst backline that football has ever seen. Joe played two more years for Orlando before hanging up his boots after he began developing traits of PTSD. After the 2018 season in which the Orlando defense conceded 200 goals, Bendik was quoted as saying "I've seen some shit, man" and hasn't been seen ever since.  

 

Kevin Alston:  After starting off the season in sensational fashion, Alston came back down to Earth hard. Lasting only one season in Orlando, Kevin went on to play competitive football at numerous YMCA's in South Dakota where he also DJ's Tuesday nights at the local Applebee's.  

 David Mateos: After building a career around the fact he played an entire 5 minutes for Real Madrid like 15 years ago, Mateos was shown to be a complete fraud and failed in Orlando. David Mateos has had numerous jobs since playing for Orlando as he simply puts "Played 5 minutes for Real Madrid once" on his résumé but is later found out to be a horrible employee and is let go. 

Luke Boden:  After never developing a right foot, Boden became the first person to have his right leg replaced by a left leg in the year 2019. With two left legs, Boden is one of the most sought after leftbacks in football. Boden has turned down numerous transfer bids in order to stay near his hair cutter.

 Servando Carrasco: 2016 proved to be a coming out party for Carrasco has he enjoyed a relatively successful campaign. After having a child with Alex Morgan, Servando became a stay at home dad and now writes for his own cooking blog and plans to have a cooking show on the Food Network by 2023. 

Brek Shea:  Brek was released after the 2016 MLS season. After a stint in the Qatar Stars League, Brek retired from football, lost all his hair and is now seen at Ale House on I-Drive talking about that time he scored a goal against the Portland Timbers in the 2016 campaign.

 Cyle Larin:  At the end of the 2017 Orlando City campaign, Larin was sold to Tianjin Teda in the Chinese Super League for a whopping $30 million dollars. Lazy as ever, Larin scores goals for fun and parties with Yao Ming and Stephon Marbury in his spare time. Bullit Bar now sports a 10 foot statue of Larin in the entrance of the bar. 

Kaka:  After Kaka was unsuccessful in leading Orlando City to a MLS title. Kaka ran for mayor of Orlando and won in a landslide decision.  Kaka's first line of business was to rename Disney World to Ricky's World. Rafael Ramos is seen there upwards of three days a week posting selfies on Instagram. 

Julio Baptista:  Orlando City President Flávio loved Baptista so much that he gave him a 10 year contract after the 2016 season. Now at the age of 57, Baptista plays for 5 minutes a match once per month. 

 

Later nerds! 

Vamos Orlando