It's hard to believe that the 2015 Major League Soccer Season had come to a close as the Columbus Crew begrudgingly watched the Portland Timbers hoist their first MLS Cup championship on the Mapfre Field pitch. Although the season has concluded and we find ourselves grinding through another offseason of sensational rumors and schedule speculation, the ILF Committee are hard at work.
After countless hours spent on MLS Live reviewing condensed games while smoking reefer, the committee have decided on the winner of the coveted and prestigious league wide Mr. ILF award.
#5 Jozy Altidore- The 26 year old forward raised in Boca Raton Florida was signed to a DP contract by Toronto FC in the off-season. Say what you want about his inconsistent play for the USMNT national team, Altidore has revived his club career in Toronto. Word from Jozy's posse is that Altidore has been tuning into Orlando City matches and the ILF Committee respects that. In the 34th minute during a home match-up vs. NYRB, Altidore received a straight red card while sitting on the bench for 'abusing the assistant referee verbally'. We salute the TFC forward for chanting 'the ref belongs on OBT' in addition to 'the ref is not going home tonight' on a questionable offside call to the point where referee Daniel Radford had no other choice but to send him off. Respect.
#4 Marco Pappa - It was a rough night for Seattle fans July 18th as the Sounders had just fallen to the lowly Colorado Rapids at home 1-0. After the match, the Guatemalan was spotted downtown at a popular Latin night club, "Havana," taking shots of guaro and Aguardiente. He then walked into a bachelorette party crew of attractive women and he made his way to the dance floor full of liquid courage. His suave dance moves caught the eyes of Mr. Bachata himself who happened be in town for the National Bachata Festival. For those who don't know, Mr. Bachata is a famous ILF member known for his hip movements on the dance floor and getting black out drunk after OCSC home wins downtown. He welcomed Marco to visit Central Florida anytime and spoke highly of the sexy mamasitas of 'Salsa Latina' in Kissimmee (Unfortunately since this meeting back in July, Salsa Latina has been shutdown by authorities for selling alcohol after hours and tax fraud). Sadly for Pappa on his way home that night he was pulled over for speeding by Seattle Police and arrested and charged with a DUI. The ILF Committee commends this barra brava's dancing skills and referred him to several lawyers who are friends of the firm in Washington.
#3 CJ Sapong- Sapong is a promising player who started his career with Sporting KC, and eventually got loaned to Orlando City who was in the USL at the time for a few games who finally ended up in Philadelphia this season. After scoring a late game equalizer against NYCFC at Yankee Stadium, Sapong and a few teammates took to the town for a night of boozing and bad decision. They ended up in South Philly and at the GoGo Lounge off of famous Broad Street. Sapong partied till late with bar fly regulars singing along to Journey while having scantily-clad, tattooed ladies with c-section scars and fat rolls in full display. Realizing he was going to be late for brunch with Cristian Maidana the next morning he left the bar drunk as a skunk. Unfortunately for this young man, Sapong was clocked by Philadelphia Police driving at speeds close to 100 MPH on Broad St before crashing into the back of a highway patrol car recklessly. As the officer approached his car, his breath fragrant with alcohol and his dilated pupils led to a DUI arrest. Barra bravas make bad decisions. Charge it to the game.
#2 Jermaine Jones- His glorious dreadlocks are far superior to the undercut hairstyle that most MLS players don nowadays. Jones is not boring like most MLS soccer playing nerds. The German-American came to New England last season after a career in Europe that saw stints at esteemed clubs Bayer Leverkusen and Schalke 04 in the Bundesliga. His never back down attitude has made Jones one of the stalwarts in MLS this season. In fact he takes his conditioning very seriously. The ILF News Team can confirm that while the Revolution were in Orlando this summer for their May 8th matchup, he was spotted this summer at American Combat Club training in mixed martial arts.
In a pivotal match-up vs. DC United toward the end of the season, Jones was involved in a questionable hand-ball incident. He ran at full speed and violently attacked referee Mark Geiger for the no-call, eventually resulting in a red card. After the game Mr. Geiger was transported to a local hospital for possible concussion symptoms. Jones even went to the next level by supporting Coach Adrian Heath on Twitter, stating that PRO referee's need to go. Hats off to you Jermaine, we wish there were more players like you in MLS . A true barra brava and ultra. Dude will be in his mid 40's playing for the national team because he is that fucking good.
#1 Sean St Ledger/Martin Patterson- The league wide Mr. ILF award is being won for the first time by two players. Both combined for a whopping 19 appearances in all competitions. How could they possibly win this award you ask? Well, let's start with the love bird, Sean St. Ledger. A photo surfaced on Twitter with him and a very attractive lady. You thought Servando Carrasco had an attractive partner in Alex Morgan, there was no way anyone on the Orlando City squad could possibly top that? Well you were wrong...In fact that lady in the picture was Taylor Swift. Respect.
Apparently they had been keeping their relationship on the down low. Fast forward to July, news surfaced on TMZ that Taylor Swift was seen leaving a New York night club with EDM DJ, Calvin Harris. Our ILF news correspondents on the scene confirmed that that both Sean and Martin were looking to party while in New York the night before the NYCFC game to try to get Sean over his break-up with Taylor.
They had reached out to the Iron Lion Firm via DM on Twitter to see what the group that travelled for the game was doing that night. Everyone ended up meeting in Bushwick in Brooklyn to get the night started and we all hopped on the L Train to Passenger Bar where it went all downhill from for these guys after a night with the ILF. These bozo's ended up spending the night in jail which ultimately caused them to miss the team-charter flight back to Orlando where they were later released from their contracts due to a serious breach of team policy. Sorry we ended up costing you your jobs, guys. We will always have that night in Brooklyn to remember.