8 Things You Should Be Doing In The Off-Season

Off Season To-Do List.

 

Cry. Get in touch with your feelings. Let the emotion take over. Let it all out. Grieve. It's only for a few months.

All the feels.

All the feels.

 

Don't try to recapture the magic of Lizzy's after a match. Or do, but don't expect to automatically know everyone there. It will feel like coming home after a long day at work, but when you open your front door you find a whole bunch of yuppie strangers eating pudding shots AND NOT OFFERING YOU ANY. Savages.

Lizzy McCormack's has no offseason.

Lizzy McCormack's has no offseason.

 

 

Detox. More specifically, TALK about detoxing. Millennials have this one down to a science: you don't have to actually eat kale, quit drinking, or figure out what gluten is. You just have to have a backup conversation topic when people are sick of hearing your trade speculation and rumors that Pele can still run a 4.4 40 and looks handsome in purple.

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Stock up on ILF shirts from the merch shop. Whether you leave your sleeves on or whip out the scissors to show some daring Argentinean side-boob, use all the money you're saving on post-match pub crawls to get your gear on point for next season.

click it. you know you want to.

click it. you know you want to.

 

Try watching other sports. Be disappointed. If you're desperate, sitting in the cheap seats at a Solar Bears game with a beer the size of a toddler might help. They wear purple and sell beer. Just don't be surprised if they ask you to leave for jumping and screaming profanity at the opposing team.

KNUCKLEPUCK.

KNUCKLEPUCK.

 

Catfish Gallardo. Try to convince him to come back so your 2014 shirts would be relevant again. 

Just look at those cheekbones. They could cut glass, y'all.

Just look at those cheekbones. They could cut glass, y'all.

 

Cardio. Specifically, jump rope. You don't have to quit drinking, but it wouldn't hurt to try to undo at least some of the damage accumulated by ten months of tailgating every open practice and press conference. And the beauty of jumping rope is that it can and will improve your stamina for jumping, chanting, and shouting profanity at opposing teams in the coming season.

You'll look exactly this cool. I promise.

You'll look exactly this cool. I promise.


And of course, PAY FOR YOUR FLIPPING 2016 MEMBERSHIP, YOU FILTHY ANIMALS.